My husband calls me a skeptic. But I don’t believe anything he says., I once thought about studying sodium. Then I thought, “Na.”, Did you hear about the paint boat that sank? All the sailors were marooned., My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I'm not sure how, I didn't even know it was today., How are marriages like algebra? Because when you look at your X, you can't help but wonder Y, Where did couples go for fun in medieval times? Knight clubs., You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example., My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home., When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car., When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!, I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it., Why is the ocean so salty? Probably because the land doesn’t wave back., When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall., Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line., I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance. I told her, “Thank you, I did gymnastics as a kid.”, Did you hear about the octopus that held up a bank? It was an armed-robbery., What do you call someone who loves Mondays? Retired., Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.,

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