I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, - but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta., Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, - it's next day delivery., I hate funerals - - I'm not a mourning person., I sent a food parcel to my first wife. - FedEx., I can't even be bothered - to be apathetic these days., My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes  - made me a laughing stock., My dad suggested I register for a donor card. - He’s a man after my own heart.,  I used to live hand to mouth.  - Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery., Hedgehogs – - why can’t they just share the hedge?, I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… - well, it was just collecting dust.,

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